Dealing With The Hard Stuff. Pt 1
Eva has just gone down for a nap. I have a fresh, hot coffee by my side and thought I would sit down to write (something I haven't done in a long time). I have so much going on in my head and my heart 24/7 that I thought it was about time I got it out on paper... well computer.
Over the last wee while I have felt as though I am full of frustration, resentment and negativity. I feel exhausted and grumpy all the time and I am so sick of feeling this way. Becoming a mum isn't meant to feel like this right? It's meant to be glorious and glamorous, the love and happiness you are fulled with is meant to make you feel like you're on cloud nine right? (Now insert mum guilt here... just to top it off).
Why don't I feel like this?
Don't get me wrong, the love I have for Eva is and all-consuming, overwhelming type of love. She does bring me joy. She does make me smile (how can this face not?!). She makes me feel all of these incredible things while feeling all of those negative things at the same time. Anyone else get me?
My beautiful girl.
I think what it comes down to yet again is missing the life I used to have. Missing my independence. Missing my freedom. Having to rely financially on someone else. Just feeling isolated and stuck. Now, because I am not the type of person to sit and have my own pity party for too long (although how good does a wee pity party feel right?! ha) I have started to try and do something about these things. I started this blog, it gave me something to do that gave me a creative and emotional outlet. I started my own network marketing business. Not necessarily because I love sales (I don't) but because it is something I can leverage to stay home with Eva, earn and income and grow a business. It is not a get rich quick scheme, I can tell you that but, I know if I stick at it, it will give me the financial freedom I so desperately desire. And lastly, I have a little wee business in the making with a beautiful friend of mine, Caitlyn (go and check out her blog The Twenty Something Mama). Stay tuned for more info on that.
I have dived head first in to these thing and poured 90% percent of my time in to trying to make them work. I don't mind putting my head down bum up and putting the effort in. But, it isn't taking away these negative feelings that I am having. These are things that are going to take time to be successful so it might help with my issues in the long run and I am not giving up but, it is not helping right now and that it what I need.
So, over the last week I have stopped. I have taken a deep breath. I have prayed (you may not be in to that type of thing and that is totally fine) and I have come back to the simple yet incredibly important thing in my life... well person. Eva. I have put my computer down. I have put my phone down and I have focused on her. Oh how she lights up when I sit on the floor to play with her. The way she sings when we go for a walk on a beautiful day. Her crazy, adorable giggle when we have intermission to have a dance party when I am doing the dishes and she is sitting in her highchair. I am completely surprised at how I am starting to feel when I give myself a break and truly, 100% be present with her.
Now, I do still work. I am writing again (like now), I follow up with clients, I put orders through, I listen to training podcasts, I do design work for the new business. But, I schedule it in to my day and I don't try and get it all done in one day. I really enjoy the work part of my life. It is something that I need and will continue to do.
My focus now looks a little different. It looks like going for a walk with Eva first thing in the morning instead of having the TV on for her while I sit on my laptop. It looks like doing puzzles and reading books. It looks like letting her crawl around on the grass, explore, get dirty and put leaves in her mouth while I hang the washing out on a sunny day. Instead of giving her a bottle in her cot and going back to sleep when see wakes up at night for a feed, I go and get her. She lies next to me in our bed, has her drink and I just watch her, I stroke her hair and her incredibly soft skin. I drink every detail of her in because everyday a little part of her changes. I will sleep again but once that moment with her is gone it will cease to exist.
Re-reading this post it seems so scattered. Sorry about that. But, what I am getting at is, if you are a new mama like me and are struggling with these thoughts and feelings too please just stop. Don't be so hard on yourself. Take a deep breath and enjoy this moment in life for what it is. For one day you will wish you had it back. Make your focus to be present with your wee babe and everything else will just seem easier and better somehow. I am not saying you won't have the bad days. Because you will... often. But, if you center yourself and come back to the simple pleasure of just being a mum, it will all be OK.
Nastasia,
xx